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Self Love

This story is about Alice. Just Alice. Alone…

Spacious white shower, warm water gently hitting her body, oozing down her erect nipples, onto the tight stomach, hanging onto shortly trimmed sexy hair strip… Water drops falling down to the floor. Just like a warm rain – playing with her skin, touching and hugging Alice’s curves. Her right hand playing with her nipples, twisting, getting them hard and erect. Another hand sliding down to her clit – lightly stroking, teasing.

…This story started a long time ago in a different off-white typical Eastern European bathroom. Alice was 5 or 6 years old. Her mom had just finished bathing her; and Alice has started curiously exploring herself – she looked at her vagina, gazed upon a clitoris… She started befriending it with her hands – immersed in the wonder of the sight and sensation… “You don’t touch yourself there, dear”, said her mother in a stern tone of voice accompanied by a look that combined a sense of fear, shame, and disgust. “It’s not good to play with yourself.”

Forbidden… That’s how Alice has always thought of self-pleasuring ever since. Bad. This was not even a conscious thought – more of a feeling, a notion that she has never questioned. A rule…

Going through life, growing up, becoming sexually interested and excited. Fantasizing about others, looking at herself in the mirror, getting aroused… And NEVER touching herself. As though there was an invisible wall that surrounded her whole body. Touch was allowed, but not for pleasure. Bathe, dry, dress, take care – but not enjoy. Feeling like a prisoner in the outer-imposed walls of prudishness and conformity.

Fantasizing of others – caressing her, raping her, undressing in front of a mirror. Wishing someone to come and penetrate this notion of separateness… Staying without a release. For years. In a self-induced subconscious chastity.

The hold of this rule was so strong that even later in life, Alice has only allowed others to touch her. Never herself. Her orgasms always belonged to others. One time she even ended up cheating on a person she loved because she couldn’t sustain this inner hunger of sexual tension while being away from him for several months…

… Stroking her nipples more, directing the shower head towards her clitoris, playing with it using her hand. Just where the most pleasure resided. She knew exactly how to touch and where to stroke, her body so soft and pliable. Gentle, sensitive, receiving. SELF-LOVE. It all starts from here. How can Alice emanate this beautiful sexual energy without enjoying it herself. How can she embody her inner Goddess without owning it. How could there be an outer love without the love of the self…

It took her years of experiences, patient, reflective and self-confident partners, books and deep inner search to penetrate this invisible wall to the Garden of Eden. And NOW she was in this magnificent garden alone and yet – complete. That’s all she needed. No serpents, Adams, or Gods.

Actually, this was a spiritual experience… She was emanating the light of sexuality, unity and love. The energy of inner confidence, embodying her inner Goddess, seductress. Letting that little girl inside of her love herself just as she was. Without the shame and guilt of socially accepted constructs.

She pressed her clitoris firmly and squirted strongly in a fountain of pleasure. “Welcome home”, – she thought. ”You’re the one I’ve been waiting for”.

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