At times I feel like I’m one of the best actresses on Earth. I wear a mask of perfection and confidence. Joy. Happiness. I play a role of a mother and a wife in a picture perfect family of four – a loving husband and two talented and well-behaved kids.
Financial abundance. Loads of creativity and free time. Heck – I don’t even have to work. I can study anything I want, dance, paint, travel and socialize.
The truth is, another relationship has ended for me. I feel heart-broken, empty and lost. I want to run away and hide. I need to heal and get back to my roots so I can learn to trust again.
At times I feel like I’m an imposter smiling at people and responding “Great” to their “How are yous”. Wearing beautiful, seductive and sexy clothes, attracting people’s attention. Communicating non-verbally – I’m perfect. Flawless. In shape and have it all figured out. I eat healthy, I work out a lot and love life.
The truth is I want you to like me. I want you to love me. That’s why I look the way I look and dress the way I dress.
At times I feel like a fake – discussing psychology, spirituality and energy healing.
The truth is I am overwhelmed by strong emotions of sadness and anger. None of my training is really helping when these waves of pain cover me. It’s just a matter of weathering all of this and surviving.
This is probably the most vulnerable post I’ve ever written. And I appreciate you reading it.
And I know that there will be a time when I will again embody all of the beautiful qualities people see in me without feeling like a fake.